It took a trip to the Post Office yesterday to learn of new, startling evidence in a seven-year-old Saran Wrap vandalism case, which I have chosen to keep "under wraps," in order to learn the identity of the culprits who inflicted said decoration, along with TP, upon my premises. The following segment from "Stay Outa My House" in my upcoming book about teaching reveals the details of this yet unsolved mystery--------
One time, three years before my retirement, as I lay snoozing on the couch just five feet from our huge windows to the outdoors, unknown culprits enjoyed a heydey just outside the windows with Saran wrap and toilet paper. Upon arising the next morning, I found the Olds Cutlass completely enveloped with plastic wrap and a dead but juicy watermelon securely mummified to the top. Every tree in the yard stood adorned at least 20 feet upward with flowing ribbons of toilet tissue, as was the entire length of our driveway. The morning paper deliverers had to fling the day’s editions into the driveway because both depositories had also been mummified with plastic wrap. Safeway, Yoke’s or Harold’s IGA must have had a drain on their inventory for that project.
While greeting some friends standing in the long line at the post office lobby, I noted that all three women had children in the same first-period English class which I taught at Sandpoint High School in the late '90s. One proud mother, among two of which who hold significant judiciary positions within the community, blurted, "And, yes, they probably all toilet-papered your house!"
"They were the ones!" I yelled back. "I always privately blamed another kid but kept all acknowledgement of the crime to myself in hopes that someone would eventually have to brag." I went on to explain to these women the extent of the overnight yard art, mentioning the mummified Cutlass Cierra.
"Oh, no," the mother suddenly interrupted, drawing from her lawyerly persuasion. "Toilet paper was their M.O. I never ever heard them mention Saran wrap." I'm sure this woman immediately realized her error of sudden incrimination of said children to victimized teacher in front of all those folks in the postal line who had nothing to do besides wait and listen. After all, it could get around town if Marianne had suddenly learned the identities of the culprits.
She attempted a cover-up, but it was clear to me that her damage control was not going to work. The crime and its criminals has suddenly become transparent. I'm in the process of gathering evidence from said former students and their associates (some of whom have fled the country to foreign lands). Nonetheless, I have offered complete confidentiality for evidence presented, possible plea bargaining and a fair trial before an impartial judge once they return.
Stay tuned, and, in the meantime, Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be wrappers!