Monday, February 27, 2006

Butts, guts and nuts: Sex and the single bull

Warning: You may not want to read this posting because I had too much fun this morning. Therefore, you may want to plug your ears or cover your eyes and go on to the next link on your computer.

I read it right on the front page of the Spokesman-Review this morning. It was a story about a truly buff beefcake named Prescott. Seems Prescott, who's Black---Angus, that is, has what it takes to do his job----a scrotum exceeding the diameter of a ruby red grapefruit. There will definitely be no calling Prescott a fruit with jewels that size.

Yup, this front-page story in the regional paper was all about bulls. I was glad to see it because I've known bulls in my day, and I've known at least one who didn't measure up to Prescott's testosterone potential. And, he could very well have come from that same sale in Spokane where the bulls are being primped for show today and sale tomorrow.

I believe we called him Percy. He was a handsome young Hereford who came from a ranch in Connell, Washington. Talk about primped, you could eat off him he was so clean and pretty. Blow-dried, in fact. That's what you do to make young bulls have the proper "butts, guts and nuts appearance."

You want 'em to have a nice big barrel and a big rear end, cuz if they have those attributes, they're gonna produce little babies with at least the butts and guts. We certainly wouldn't want our little heifers to have those nuts now, would we? Furthermore, anyone who's ever eaten a nice beef steak should know the importance of the guts and the butts. More of each means more juicy red meat on those bones.


Now, let's get to the nuts of this situation and back to Percy. My folks brought him home, and we all admired his large frame and big rear end. We figured Percy would make a wonderful outcross for our Ponderay Hereford ladies like Millie or Mary Elephant. Their huge frames mixed with his could mean nothing but plate-sized rib steaks and pan-sized rounds coming off the next generation.

We kept Percy in a barnyard pen until early summer after the cows had calved. Then, my dad turned him out to do his thing. When summer was nearly over and Millie and Mary Elephant were still passionately interested in romance, we got to wondering about Percy.

Seems the bull sale officials didn't do the intricate measurements back then. Upon inspection, Big Percy certainly had the guts and butt all right, but his abundant qualities up above kinda hid the fact that his scrotum measured more the size of Yakima-valley apricot. He just wasn't getting the job done. All he wanted to do was eat and lounge out there in the pasture.

His harem, however, was getting pretty frustrated. It kinda frustrated my folks too cuz they had to go back down there to Connell and tell his former owners that the bull just didn't have it. So, Percy later returned to Connell, and the folks brought a new bull---which would never make the hunk centerfold in Bulls Illustrated, but he must have had what it took. Every cow had a calf later than usual the next year.

Yup, I've known bulls, and I know from past experience, that you just can't always judge a bull by his blow-dried cover-up. Like anything in this life, there are more dimensions and you've gotta check 'em out.

Even when you don't have to ask, "Where's the beef?" you may have wonder about the nuts.

4 comments:

Toni said...

Oh, my goodness! That is all I can say!!

Marianne, you tell it like it is......I am sure there will be some city folk mortified by this country tale. LOL.......

Dogwalkmusings said...

Marianne- wonderful!

KaleJ said...

Thanks for taking me back to my youth on my dad's beef ranch. At first we always had one hereford that was the kingpin. He was the prize for the replacement heifers, while we had an angus or two and some Charolais for the sellers.

My dad spent quite a bit of time checking out the butts and guts and birthweights and some characteristics from the maternal side too. But there was the occasional "percy" in the bunch that didn't last long.

MLove said...

Thank you, Kale.