Mannerly speaking

Our training took place around the dinner table. It included parental guidance on everything from writing "thank you" notes to how many times we should chew each bite of steak. During our formative years, we learned from our parents, our 4-H leaders, our teachers and from anyone else, who wanted to throw in some advice, the importance and practice of good manners.

Because of its continued reinforcement, courtesy toward others and civilized, polite behavior became a staple in our daily lives---just like tying one's shoe or flipping a light switch. The subject of good manners came up yesterday during a coffee visit at Connie's with my friend Pixie. After telling her about a situation I had just experienced, which we both agreed bordered on insensitive rudeness, she lamented the apparent lack of dinner-table training that seems to be dominating our society and, sadly, all too often in our local day-to-day activities.

We both agreed that we've actually begun to "notice" when a stranger takes a second to practice common courtesies, which many of us grew up to expect as an accepted part of society. Incidents involving out-and-out rudeness or thoughtlessness, which used to appear as an isolated anomalies to standard behavior, have become the norm. And, it doesn't feel good.

Those of us who think nothing of issuing friendly greetings to all we meet along sidewalks or bike paths often feel crushed when the intended recipient either avoids eye contact or grunts at best. Friendliness for the sake of friendliness is a small-town thing, I know, but Sandpoint hasn't exactly turned into a metropolis, just yet. All too quickly, the very commodity of wholesomeness that everyone has seemed to latch on to about our community seems to be disappearing.

Figuratively speaking, are dinner-table training sessions disappearing also? Or, is the content of the lesson plans changing? Is there so much ugliness occurring in our world that our young people are being trained to remain fearfully skeptical of every human being who comes down the pike? Is there so much competitiveness to succeed in our world that using people for what you can get out of them and then ruthlessly dumping them along the way side (figuratively, of course) becomes a well-proven strategy? Have we turned into such a busy society that the standard conventions of expressing appreciation or responding to people's requests in a timely manner have become minimized, at best, or even non-issues because of items demanding much higher priority?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I can only guess. I think part of this dilemma stems from the fact that we're living in a world of mixed signals, where being free with your emotions or extending that little extra effort could lead to varied consequences. On one hand, a smile to a stranger may get you murdered; on the other, that same gesture may mean everything to a person needing an emotional lift.

For whatever reason, it's sad to see so many practices that have long been a part of the framework of our human behavior and our civility becoming gradually extinct. This is especially disheartening, because---for the most part---thank you's, smiles and genuine caring about other human beings net feelings of great satisfaction for all involved.

In spite of it all, I'm gonna do my best to keep following all those rules I learned at the dinner table, including chewing each bite of steak 25 times. And, I know Pixie and I will still try to be nice to people.

And, now, after completing this morning's topic, I've just received permission to use the following letter, which, I believe illustrates a magnificent example of genuine humanity. Kate Fournier, who's mentioned in this note from her mother, received a severe brain injury two years ago after being hit by a car while crossing a Seattle street. She continues to improve far beyond what doctor's expected. I can tell you she's amazing.

Her mother told me this morning that the trial is over and that Kate's needs will be met. This inspiring young woman has also completed another need of her own as explained in this note.

Kate and I have spent most of the month of January in the civil trial related to her accident 2 years ago. It was the first time Kate has had the opportunity to meet the driver of the car that hit her. The man who hit her isn't a very approachable person, or maybe I should say that he isn't someone you would necessarily bring into your world. But, Kate waited a very long time to have her moment.

We were in the hallway of the courthouse with our lawyers (4 total), the drivers lawyer and the co-counsel for the city of Seattle. The driver was pacing and wandering up and down the hall. Kate walked over and introduced herself and offered her hand.

She said, "Mr. Lessor, I am Kate Fournier and when you hit me you changed my life forever. I waited a long time to meet you and tell you that I am not mad at you. I think we should both move on." She said it with grace and love. She hugged him and told him to live well.

It brought us all to tears. Not one of us could say a word. Here is a woman whose life will never be the same, will never have complete freedom from her injuries, and she was so centered and grounded. Wouldn't our world be different if we could all forgive and move on?

The whole moment was a lesson in acceptance, forgivness and grace. I realize with every fiber in my body how grateful I am for what I have, where I am in my life, and those around me who bring me joy.

Hugs to you all.

Lorraine