Kea-speak

SHE's over there working at the computer while we're snoozing, but we know SHE's gonna tell the story the way we want it told. We've already dictated several segments to her and told her to get it right. So, when we wake up, we'll be checking to see that SHE hasn't used any puppy ASSumptions while telling our tales.

After all, we don't want people to get the wrong impression of us when she tells about all the details of our bowl movements, our bladder releases and alleged destruction inside her house. We'll take the heat for ripping that dryer hose apart, but if SHE says one more word about the two telephone cords we chewed, we're gonna protest.

What's a pup to do when the house is crawling with all this electronic gadgetry and all those cords are snarling up our puppy fun? These people have too many phones in their house anyway.

It's also hard enough dealing with those stinkin' leashes that wrap themselves around our legs, neck and bodies every time we go outside and just wanta take off for a good run across the fields. We even suffered a few near whiplashes back in the old days when she first attached them to our collars, but we're learning. Anyway, when we're loose, we figure that any linear obstacle that gets in our way has got to go, so we chew 'em up.

SHE sez we have to wear the leashes outside because SHE tells everyone about when my brother and sister Todd and Brooke and how they ran off in the woods that day and got lost. Of course, I (Kea) was smart enough that day to stay in the house.

I'll never forget all the bad words that kept coming out of HER mouth when we couldn't find Todd and Brooke. SHE carried me the whole way and finally they reappeared behind the neighbor's house about half a mile away from home. From that day forth, we've had to wear those leashes----all because of Todd and Brooke. They live far away in Boise now. Hope they're happy with what they got started for the rest of us.

Well, my brother Webster's kinda responsible for the leashes too. See, for a while we did get to go outside loose, one at a time, and run through the yard whenever SHE thought it was time for us to pee and poop. But, one morning that great big, red speckled horse Lily was out there in the pasture when Webster was doing his thing. Bill was watching my younger brother, while SHE and I were watching from the sliding glass door. Suddenly Webster high-tailed it for Lily's pasture.

I heard HER scream really loud at Bill----and spit out some more bad words---while Lily and Bill both pursued Webster from opposite directions. Lily was ahead when SHE just turned around with me in her arms, covered her eyes and screamed GAWD DAMMIT so loud my ears almost fell off. Then, she turned around again, and we saw Lily running and Bill grabbing ahold of Webster. I don't think Webster knows just how close he came that day, but I do know that we've had to wear leashes ever since.

We went visiting last night to HER sisters' house. We were pretty popular over there, especially with Pita, their blue heeler, who's just a year old than us and really big. Pita sniffed us from one end to another all night. It was like she is studying up for anatomy or something like that. She also let us play with her toys, and we also got to eat all the catfood in the kitchen. We were really good at the beginning of our visit, but as we felt more comfortable around Pita, we let her influence us into racing around the house.

That meant a real obstacle course with all those two-legged bodies taking up space in the living room playing BS. It was kinda hard to get underneath all those legs, so we did a lot of running around in the kitchen and dining room.

We even went into her sister Laurie's bathroom and found this stuff in a box on the floor next to the toilet. It was like sand, and it had little brown logs mixed in with the sand. We were just starting to have fun scooping out a few samples when Laurie found us, kicked us out and shut the door. I fixed her. I just peed on the carpet by the bathroom.

We also each left a few logs on their floor last night and heard Laurie and HER talking about getting even. I guess Pita came to our house one day last year and left two log decks in different places. Bill, the forester, should have been looking for log decks at the foot of the stairs when he stepped in one of them and squashed all the logs into the wooden floor. We heard that Laurie was real embarrassed that night, but she figures now that we've issued payback by laying some cable at her house.

We kinda like it here, especially when we get to go out to the barn, while SHE does stuff with those horses and their stalls. SHE ties us to the wall in the third box stall, and we get to play in the hay. If we're fast enough crawling between the boards before she brings the wheel barrow, we can even snatch one or two of Lefty's apples for our barn snacks. I can't figure out why she doesn't have those paper towels out there in the barn for all those horse plops. Instead, she uses a thing that looks like a rake, picks out the apples, throws them all in the wheel barrow and hauls them off.

I bet she's hoping she won't need to bring the wheel barrow to the house if we keep having our accidents. Come to think of it, I do kinda wonder why they're "accidents" for us, but they seem to be perfectly okay for Lily and Lefty when they're inside their barn. Those horses can poop and pee all they want, and nobody ever starts yelling and screaming and running and grabbing spray bottles and ripping off two miles of paper towels and going "Yuck." I've never once heard HER go "Yuck" out there in the barn when those horses have their bowel movements.

I think the horses might have it better around here than we do. At least, they seem to have more rights. And, that's what I'm gonna talk about the next time I make her sit down at the computer and type up my thoughts while I take a nap.

Seems like puppies don't have any rights at all. They yank everything out of our mouths, they yell at us every time we do what comes naturally and they even make us watch them eat and wait to lick the plate while they're stuffing their mouths with all that junk food.

We're gonna work on some reforms around this place, but for now, I guess it could be worse. We do get to stay inside the house and sleep on soft, warm beds while the big dogs get the couch in the garage. I can hear HER daughter downstairs now, so I guess I'd better get up and head down there and see if she made us any more chew toys.

Happy Saturday,

Kea