Snap, Crackle, Squawk: no telephun

I'm typing on borrowed time right now. At any given moment, I could hear a click. Have heard that click more often than I care to lately. I've also heard some snapping, some crackling and even a pop every so often. Bill and I have been on the verge of insanity a few times in the middle of the night and even the middle of the day listening to ringing, ringing, ringing.

And, no, it's not in our ears, signifying that someone's probably talking about us. This ringing takes place only in the kitchen where the head phone of the Lovestead sits on the kitchen counter. It rings. We pick it up. We hear snap, crackle, pop or nothing.

We say "hello" really loud. Nobody answers back except those gremlins making those awful noises. We walk away. The phone rings. We keep walking away cuz we know it's at it again.
Sometimes Bill has gotten up in the middle of the night and unplugged the phone cuz that's not really when he wants to get up to talk to snap, crackle and pop.

The phone does this whenever it damn well feels like it. It did it the other day when I was in the kitchen. Once again, being offguard cuz it hadn't acted up for a while, dumb ol' me walked over there, picked it up, said hello, and there was nobody there. This time there was no sound. It rang a couple of times again with nobody there. Then, I picked it and the line was dead.

I checked all the other phones around the house---some sit there not hooked up because the puppy dogs ate their jack cable last November. Some, however, are usually functional, and one is integral to my office upstairs cuz it's hooked up to the computer and to the wall jacks. Upon moving the bed, I noticed that the double wall jack attachment which serves both the phone and the computer was falling apart.

It's done that before, and I've stuck it back together, usually adequately enough to get things back to work. Well, this time, nothing went back to work. The line remained dead. So, with my techno-impaired mind, I decided a new double jack attachment could be the problem. I got in the car and started driving to town.

First thing I noticed was that the local radio stations weren't working---just like our phones. Then, closer to town, I saw red flashing lights racing through the Schweitzer intersection. Then, I got to Yoke's where my sisters were shopping. The lights were dim. Electricity was coming through the generator. The staff was covering up the perishables with cardboard cuz the coolers weren't working.

After visiting with my sisters for a while, I decided not to go to Staples for that jack because surely my phone problems at home were connected to whatever was going on in town. Later, our phone started working again. Though crackly, there was a dial tone.

Note: more coming. I did get bumped off line and all that I wrote, except for the paragraphs above, did NOT save when I saved it. So, go figure. I'll get my other stuff done and tell the rest of the story later......after horse chores. If I can get the damn phone line to work, that is!

There was much more to the story, like the fact that yesterday afternoon the insane telephone behavior started all over again. There's the story of calling the telephone company and having the programmed lady on the 800-repair number who asks if you're calling from the phone that doesn't work and then directs you through all the pre-technician assignment problem solving moves.

One of the better stories deals with the time I hung up on her with my cell phone and wished to gosh that cell phones could have receivers so that mad people calling the telephone company could slam those receivers down when we've had all we can take of "the menu," and then there was the part later when I called back and Programmed Lady knew that I'd hung up on her and then starting the interrogation procedure all over again, including "Are you, by chance, calling from the phone in question, followed by the second emphatic NO!

There's also the story of my friend with connections to the telephone company, whom I called AFTER Programmed Lady made the technician assignment and AFTER I discovered a cable coming off the house and connecting to the outside jack box---this cable was chewed in half by a known suspect with four legs and a tail. I figured my friend with connections to the telephone company could tell me how to temporarily splice that cable back together so our phone would start working again.

So, I left a message for him to call me on my cell phone.

Well, after discovered the chewed-in-two cable and knowing for sure that we would not have telephone service until that cable was fixed, THE PHONE STARTED WORKING. Quickly, I checked my email and responded to one message. Ever so quickly afterward, the phone stopped working again---until after dinner, that is.

Then, it started ringing only in the kitchen, but nobody was ever there. Finally around 7 p.m., all phones rang, meaning there might be someone there. I picked it up and amidst the squawk, squawk, squawk, I heard a woman's voice and the last name of Telephone Company Connection Guy. So, I proceeded through the squawking to tell her that the phone was acting weirder than ever and that I'd wait to see what the technician said tomorrow.

Then, the lady who had the same last name as Telephone Company Connection Guy, started talking about real estate. This seemed like a classic non sequitur, but I didn't want to be rude, so I talked about real estate back to her. Then, she said something about her oldest sister and gave the sister's name. To which I said, "I didn't know she was your older sister; I thought XXX was your older sister."

To which she said, "I don't have a sister named XXX."

That's when I figured something had shorted out both the phone and my brain.

"You don't?" I said. "Hmmm. Who IS this?"

Turned out the squawking stopped long enough for me to figure out that she was NOT the Telephone Company Connection Guy's wife; instead, she was a relative with the same name.

So, I tried to explain to her why I hit her head on with all that telephone information but never did get the message through because the squawking was escalating more than ever. We both hung up, and I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts.

Later, Telephone Company Connection Guy called on the cell phone as instructed. After listening to the problem, he simply suggested being really nice, offering lots of cookies or pie and some coffee when the technician came. Other than that, we talked fences and other stuff destroyed by the Winter of 2007-2008.

Well, the telephone technician did come this morning, looked at that chewed-up cable and explained to me that it really led to nowhere vitally important for our telephone use, but that it was useful for calling the satellite company when we want to order a movie. The fact that it was chewed up by said puppy wasn't too much of a problem except that when it got moist, shorts would jump through the cable and wreak havoc with the rest of our telephone.

He happily accepted the mint-flavored Oreos I handed to him, pulled the cable away from the outside jack box, visited a while and went on his way. What a nice man! And, what a good feeling it is to know that Bill and I will not have to go to the crazy house because of the strange things happening inside this house with the telephone.

Now that things are fixed, I have to call that one lady back (with the same last name as telephone company connection man) who wanted to talk real estate and tell her I'm calling from the phone that doesn't work. I'm not calling Programmed Lady at the telephone company any more. She's got to be part of the telephone company conspiracy to eventually drive all telephone customers in need of help to the looney bin.