Everyday Battle of the Bulge

Well, Chicago folks have certainly earned their share of headlines over the past few days. Sad to see another of the giant newspapers filing for bankruptcy protection. Of course, that news seems to be a daily event for newspapers these days. I wonder when the last one goes down, who's going to report it. Maybe "Entertainment Tonight."

And, the Illinois governor revelations. . . . every time I hear of such stories I wonder if some people are born with invisible body and mind armor which immunizes them from any sense that the rules made for the general population also apply to them. Is the ego so out of control that they view themselves as permanently inoculated from any consequences for their brazen behavior?

Obviously, there's a lot more to the story, and it will unfold, but I will share a comment Bill made last night. "At least, this time it wasn't Louisiana," he said.

He grew up in an atmosphere where fraud/corruption among state politicians was as common as the state's roadside armadillo carcasses.

Enough of that---the stunning story coming out of Chicago yesterday concerned Oprah's revelation about her weight. Now, I was a bit disappointed in her decision to champion another cause and, in this case, standing up as an example for women worldwide to start fessing up that what's recorded on their drivers' license will no longer stay on their driver's license.

Instead, they're going to tell the world they really do weigh 50 pounds heavier than the number the traffic cop reads when he pulls them aside, asks for the license, reads it, looks at the lady at the wheel, shakes his head and knows she may not be telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about why she was speeding.

Of course, she sits there safely knowing that if he dared dispute her weight, she could get him for sexual harassment, so he just keeps his thoughts to himself and moves on with the pronouncement that she was going 31 mph in a 25 mph zone.

Now, I believe in truth. I harp on it, but even as Catholic as I am, I don't feel one bit guilty about my driver's license saying I weigh ????? when I really weigh---well, let's just say I can squeeze into a pair of size 14 jeans if they're stretch and slightly bigger than their size label says.

I was in the doctor's office a few weeks ago, and the nurse asked me my weight rather than putting me on the scales. I lied by only ten pounds that day, but my driver's license has me about 20 pounds lighter than my lie, and the great part is that my untruthful weight remains constant for four years. Just got the license renewed.

I've got another plus, cuz I just went to my wallet to see what the last recorded weight happened to be, and I noticed the window isn't big enough for the officer to have to shake his head at me.

My height and weight are covered up by a flap, and it's so hard to get my license out of the slot, any busy traffic cop hasn't got time to pry it out of there. So, I'm safe from silent scorn next time I get pulled over.

Back to Oprah. Can you imagine what 2009 is going to be like once Oprah has that week-long life improvement show where she encourages a universal "tell-all-about-your-pounds--every last one of them," so that all the women will face up to their fat? We've got enough troubles in this world without adding that pressure to the plate.

As far as weight is concerned, I can identify with Oprah because the last time I squeezed into a size 10---like she mentioned with those jeans in her article---was probably when I was ten. And, that's if I'm telling the truth. Coulda been even earlier, like third grade.

I do vividly remember the day in fifth grade at Lincoln School when Mrs. Beck made us all go to the front of the room to get measured for height and to stand on the scales so she could record our weight.

It was very public too, cuz they could do those things back then without having all the helicopter parents come in and complain about the teacher ruining their precious child's self esteem.

Well, on weigh-and-measure day, I probably stood 5 feet 4 inches and weighed in at 110 pounds----the first member of the class to surpass the century mark. What a distinction!

I will reveal that I don't recall exactly when this occurred, but at one time in my adult life, I actually topped off 217, so Oprah's got nothing on me. And, I was probably still putting ????? on my driver's license. Actually, I think my driver's license weight has never changed through all the thick and thin.

In all seriousness, weight has been an ongoing challenge for me. I've been able to maintain a decent but still overweight (according to the doctor's charts) status for the past six years.

That's thanks to retirement. The absence of eternal papers to grade has allowed me to remain much more active than I ever was during my teaching career, save for a few years after my giant diet of the early 20s when I lost 70 pounds.

That reduction-in-frame came after an student underground newspaper featured a cartoon of the SHS drill team adviser on its front page, and it didn't lie one ounce like I've always done on my driver's licence. It was an awful public rebuke of a fat lady who just happened to be yours truly, but I got the message and did something about it.

The last giant diet occurred six years ago when some students spent a year filming me at all hours of the day and night throughout the year and then showed it to the student body as a going away gift for my retirement.

They meant well, but when I took the video home, viewed it and saw all those ghastly shots of me bending over at my lawnmower and me standing at my teaching desk, I decided to do something about it.

I'll probably always lie on my driver's licence. It's become a habit, but I also know that the Battle of the Bulge is an ongoing struggle, and, for Oprah, if it takes telling the truth about her weight to do something about it, hats off to her.

The truth about weight often hurts, but it also does wonders.