I haven't seen this one before. Maybe some of you have. If so, it's worth rereading; if not, you may recognize yourself in some of the thoughts if you've been anywhere around snow this winter.
Charis sent it to Liz. Both are former beloved English students from the early-mid'90s. Since Charis sent it to Liz, I figured my job was to "shovel it forward." Right?
Warning: There's a little shady language as the story progresses, so put on your ear muffs.
Received from Liz yesterday . . . .
My good friend Charis sent this ..... hilarious! If you are receiving this email, you have probably endured hours of snow shoveling yourself. Enjoy!
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm
glad he's our neighbor.
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
Life! ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
And then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has
a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but
I think she's lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling.
And then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the goddamn snowplow.
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?