Fewer halters, no less

I was glad to see Tennessee Mule Artist Bonnie Shields' letter-to-the-editor in this morning's local paper. My funny friend Bonnie wrote in to remind folks who think those halters look pretty on horses out in the field that they could find a not-so-pretty sight some day.

If there's a way to hurt themselves, horses will find it, and leaving a halter on them while unattended will guarantee the odds of tragic circumstances all the more. Horses are worse than kids when it comes to curiosity and to getting into life-threatening fixes. As Bonnie pointed out, parts of halters tend to get caught on things, and a horse's first reaction when caught on something is flight-related. Pull back and get the hell out of Dodge.

I was very fortunate one evening last summer when Miss Lily slid her head between the gate and the gate post and got it stuck really tight underneath the chain keeping the gate shut. I discovered her there and didn't know whether to run to the house for help or try to pry her out myself. This occurred after I'd already lost my two buddies, Rambo and Casey. So, you can imagine my emotional state at the time.

Surprisingly, I was able to remain calm and talk Lily into holding that head perfectly still, while my fingers quickly worked around the chain, eventually ripping one end from the post where it was attached. Lily lived, and I breathed one of the biggest of many big sighs of relief during my long tenure of hanging around with horses. I don't even want to imagine a halter being added to that potentially disastrous mix.

So, my hat goes off to Bonnie for reminding horse owners around the county to take those halters off their horses and mules, except for when they want to lead them or tie them up. She also pointed out that you don't just walk off and leave a horse tied up, cuz again, in their boredom, many can find a way to harm themselves.

I have a feeling Bonnie's letter came from occasional observations while driving by fields or pens and seeing horses headed for trouble with those halters. She probably sighed a few times and finally decided to put her thoughts to words cuz she saw that scene one too many times, figuring if folks don't know better, maybe someone ought to remind them of this important safety measure with their animals.

So, she penned her letter, and hopefully this morning, some halters subtlely disappeared from pastures where Bonnie passes by. My supposition of Bonnie's motivation reminds me of similar moments I experience as a career English teacher whose job is to protect language abuse for the good of all. One situation in particular assaults my ears every morning while I'm scooping poop in the horse stalls, close to where the halters lie while my two buddies find enough trouble out there in the barnyard.

Every morning on the country station, there's an ad where the announcer talks about "less stops," and I cringe just like Bonnie must when she sees a field full of haltered horses. Now, granted, nobody's gonna die because of "less stops," but in English teacher circles, it's possible that if we could get at that announcer or at whoever wrote his words, we'd snatch them bald-headed and then tell them it's supposed to be "fewer miles."

We English teachers are just that kind of beast because we love the language and love hearing it used correctly. The basic rule is that if you can count it---like your fingers or your marbles---you use "fewer." If it's an amount that you can't separate it into individual parts----like flour or water---use "less."

Of course, when you've got flowers, you received fewer flowers for Valentine's Day this year, and you wonder if your love life has gone bad. If you say you received "less" flowers, there may be a reason Loverboy, who knows his grammar, is short-changing you.

Many of these abuses insult my ears, but I'm not the kind who rudely corrects folks in mid-conversation. That's just not nice. When people are functioning in professional circles, however, I'll cringe and shout at the radio or TV, just like I did to Chris Matthews on his MSNBC "Hard Ball" show yesterday when he pulled off one of his ubiquitous infringements of the basic irregular verb principal parts rules.

Someone "sunk" something, according to Chris. Can't remember the exact context, but I heard "sunk" with no helper and yelled out loud at Chris. I must ask Chris, "Did the Titanic really sunk 100 years ago yesterday?" Chris Matthews is a Holy Cross grad and a former columnist for a big newspaper; I'll bet his editor cringed all the time. Chris makes big bucks and gets away with assassinating the language virtually every day.

I really like Chris Matthews' show most of the time. I even can deal with his slobbering all over himself when he gets worked up. Nevertheless, I have no tolerance for his continual abuse of grammatical correctness that should have been taught, learned and practiced from seventh-grade on, especially in Chris' era, cuz he's the same vintage as I am, and I know they taught grammar back in those days.

Well, Bonnie, you ol' Mule Artist, look at what you started. I pray that offending horse owners read your words in this morning's submission, that they slinked out to the barnyard to do their duty and that when you drive by their places from this day forth, you'll see a lot "fewer" halters on those horses' heads.

Otherwise, I'm afraid we're just sunk in our endeavor to write the wrongs of the world. If "only" people would listen and learn. And, speaking of "only," that one gets abused too, but I'll save that rant for another day.